Last night I was reminded how important it is to stay real and say things out loud that I’m thinking and feeling. I was reminded by JJ of the reasons I was attracted to him three months ago by a simple feeling he shared. Unprompted he said that he’d been thinking since the DWI. He’d been thinking that he used to look down on people that had a DWI. That he had wished his ex would get a DWI because she drinks and drives all the time. Now he realizes that because someone gets a DWI doesn’t mean they are worse or someone else is better. They’ve most likely just made a mistake. Most importantly he said he doesn’t wish a DWI on his ex any longer. He said that he felt sorry for her because she was missing out on so much in life while spending her free time hanging out in bars. That wishing something like that on her was pointless. He holds no ill will toward her. He doesn’t want to use his energy on harboring bad feelings toward her.
To someone else this might seem insignificant. To someone else it might make them feel like he holds feelings for his ex still. To someone like me who is on high alert when men talk badly of exes it was very moving. When men talk badly of their ex I’ve come to realize that it could be a sign of poor relationship skills in the man and a lack of self-reflection. We all play a certain part in the relationships we are in and placing the blame on one person doesn’t work. In cases of abuse the blame falls squarely with the abuser. But in every day interactions and how we treat each other there are two parties involved. Harboring ill will and resentment are signs of not letting go of the past relationship also. Moving on requires letting go of the good and the bad.
Later JJ talked about starting to do his chores during the week instead of on the weekends like has been his habit. I said that I would need time on the weekends to take care of things. He said, as he’s said before, I hope I’m not smothering you. Do you need more time to yourself? To which I reply you aren’t smothering me, I just need to find some balance.
So I love the self-reflection and thoughtful, intuitive manner of this man. Today I feel like a lucky girl and I can’t wait to spend another weekend with this man.
My Life Untangled 