Carry On

Just one week ago today I was still hopeful for a happy ever after with TG. Now here I sit in reality on what will most likely be the first in a long string of Saturday nights home alone.

TG and I spent the week exchanging emails dissecting our relationship and our baggage. I may have learned some things I didn’t want to know. Such as he was never physically attracted to me. Ouch. Another blow to my poor self-image. He seems to genuinely reflect back the same general feelings about our relationship though. We both treasured the easy companionship, shared sense of humor and interests. We both expressed the sentiment of “Who else is going to hike 11 miles in the rain up a mountain with me and still be happy at the end of the day?” I say he is a wonderful man and he says I am an awesome person. We genuinely like each other. So we are hopeful for a friendship to remain. I however need to figure out how to think of him as just a friend. And he says he’s not ready for the finality of ‘just friends’.

I guess the advantage of taking so long to come to the decision to end a relationship is its hard to question that you made the right choice. I can’t second guess myself because I already gave second, third, fourth chances to make this work. I imagine its easier to second guess the end of a relationship when not much thought went into the decision to stay or go. I however analyze from every direction.

I cry a little less every day. Deep down I know that to continue on would have been too painful for me and pointless. So I fill my days with activities and continue to mourn the end of what held so much promise for me. And one day I’ll crawl into bed and realize I didn’t cry once that day.

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