Tonight I Wallow

Last night it was confirmed for me that my boyfriend is basically in the same emotional place regarding me as he was 10 months ago. Hint: Its not a place any woman wants her man to be. He’s not in love with me. Though he says I’m ‘the one’. He’s sure of it. Then he says that there will always be a part of him that will be ‘dissatisfied’. He still thinks about other women from his past. The ones that got away…
I myself have been guarded since a brief separation in March. I did manage to distance myself from him emotionally as a defense mechanism. I wanted to continue to spend time with him because we do get along very well, he’s honest (I think), we are compatible in most things. We have fun together and I look forward to spending time with him. But I don’t feel secure. I feel as if at any time he might flit away after some beautiful, young thing. Maybe all middle aged women feel this way. Maybe its a product of the way I lived so many years. Having my very being squashed and knowing my guy wasn’t faithful. Or just maybe my instincts are dead on…

I wonder what its like to feel so loved that I don’t think every time plans change that maybe he’s off with someone else. I hope to find out what its like to be loved by someone enough that they won’t want to jeopardize losing me for a fling. I wonder what its like to feel so secure that I can look into the future and see what it will look like.

So tonight I skip my exercise class and I wallow. But tomorrow I will get up, resume my routine and return to the world where I resolve not to waste one more day of my life in misery because of what someone else thinks I am or am not.

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