Blast From The Past

I had last posted about memories that were missing, gaps in my memories that make me uncomfortable.  So I had contacted someone who mentioned how my ex had treated me on vacation and asked them to share what had happened because I had forgotten.  Here’s what they said:

Well, we were in Florida.  We went a couple days before the cruise ship left. We were all in rental car at gas station I think. I think he had his laser light and was shining it at a car either that or he was yelling at they guy driving a fancy car, can’t remember exactly.  What I do remember is you telling him to stop and he started yelling at you, “tell me you heard me Jamie” and knocked your glasses off your face.  He was relentless and kept on you the entire night.  My heart broke for you.  Then on the cruise, one day we all wanted to do something together, can’t remember what but he was sleeping so you wouldn’t come with us.  You were very scared to leave the room because he might get mad at you. It was so very sad.

This may seem strange but this really had no emotional impact on me.  This description was my ‘normal’ back then.  It was actually helpful to be reminded of it and have a witness but in the grand scheme of my life then this was some of the better treatment.

Then they proceed to tell me that they are concerned for my safety and would like to talk to me.  I said that I guess I would like to know about any specific threats but that there was a reason I left the way I did and behaved the way I did after I left.  I had reason to be concerned for my safety.  So over two and half years later I finally give someone still in his life my new cell phone number and the next day have the first phone conversation I’ve had with anyone in his world since I left.  

They proceed to tell me that my ex was having trouble with his girlfriend and called up distraught and saying he was missing me and wanting to die.  The ex said he had a gun in his mouth and was going to pull the trigger.  My ex said Jamie hurt me and I know people that can make things happen.  I know where she lives. I can’t tell you what is going down but I know people who can take care of it.  

This person didn’t know what to do with this.  I suggested that if someone I cared about called me from six states away and was threatening suicide and possibly murder I would call the police.  I said that I of all people know what their life would be like if they did but that is what I would do.  They said they grew up listening to their Dad telling their Mom he was going to kill himself.  They are desensitized to it I guess, didn’t believe he would do it.  I said I understood and that I I’d heard it all before too but that I also believed my ex was one bad day away from deciding to end his life and he would think it would be perfect if he could take me out with him.  I explained that for the rest of his life I would be responsible for every bad thing that happens to him.  That’s just the way it is. I knew it before I left.

I told them that I appreciated the call.  That I probably had gotten too comfortable and this was a reminder that I need to be careful.  

So I’m happy to be out of that drama filled life.  Not sure that it was a good idea to allow myself to be sucked back in for a brief time but I’ve decided there is nothing to be done about this.  Its not anything I haven’t heard/witnessed/feared before.  So I move on.  I keep living my life.  I leave the people that choose to be in his life to deal with him.  I stay alert and focused when I’m out.  I trust that there are good people out there that karma is on my side.

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