Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me

This refrain from the old Hee Haw show keeps going through my mind tonight. Feeling a bit sorry for myself and down tonight. Work has been tough. My department is down 3 people which is 50%. One a new position and two guys that left recently. One just today and the other a few months ago. These are highly technical jobs that take time to fill. I spent 5 years of my life with these guys and its difficult to see them go.

I have issues with letting go of people. In my personal and professional life apparently. I cling and hang on to people that should be allowed to leave or be kicked out of my life. I spent the majority of my adult life in one relationship. Almost two years ago I became single and a year ago started dating again. I found dating difficult. I wasn’t used to meeting a new person and then never seeing them again. I can find something I like about almost everyone. Something to value in everyone. Some were obviously not matches for me and I let them go but still mourned the loss. Now I’ve been with the same man for 11 months. No commitment from him and he still has his online dating profile. He’s told me he’s not ‘in love’ with me. I’ve stayed with him because he’s smart, nice, funny and we do alot of fun things together. He says he looks at the other women online but figures ‘they aren’t going to be as good as Jamie’. I say not much of anything to this. What is there to say? I’m not willing to change my life for anyone right now. I would not be ready to move in with someone. I’m probably in love with him and should tell him but can’t seem to find the words when he is around. What’s the point of moving on if I’m not looking for that permanent solution right now.

So I play the cool chick. I don’t cling. I don’t make demands on him. I wonder when he’ll call. I wonder what he’s doing but I refrain from picking up the phone all the time. We talk on the phone a few times a week and usually spend the weekend together and one night a week. If he doesn’t want to come to my house Friday night I wonder, does he have a date? I’m dealing with a man whose longest stretch of seeing one person prior to me was 6 months. Never married. Perhaps I should run for my life but I can’t. I’ve never met anyone kinder. Its not the most passionate relationship I’ve ever had but I tell myself there’s other things more important here. Is this a cop out? I wonder.

So here I sit waiting for his call. Wondering if he will come up tonight or not. Wallowing in the loss of my co-worker. Feeling sorry for my sorry state of affairs at work. Sipping some (lots) of Moscato and talking to you.

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2 Responses to Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me

  1. Ahh. Jamie, you know what I’m gonna say! This man sounds like the commitment-phobe I just stopped seeing after 7 months. You say you’ve never met anyone kinder but he’s certainly not being kind to you by treating you as an option. Just because you aren’t ready to move in with him or change your life for him isn’t an excuse to stay in something that’s not serving you well. You say you can’t run, but you should ask yourself: what is REALLY holding you back? I don’t think it’s his kindness or humor or intelligence or the fact that you MIGHT be in love with him. It took me a while to finally say “ok…enough” to the ass I was dating because I focused so much on little things that made me happy: great sex, he was incredibly attractive, he made me laugh, and we had indescribable chemistry. But when I think back to how I felt as a WHOLE in those 7 months… I can only see the insecurity, emptiness, and loneliness that cast a shadow on anything bright he may have brought to my life.

    • Jamie says:

      You are right, I have alot to think about. And he’s definitely a commitment-phobe and aware of it and trying to figure out why himself. We’ve had some pretty frank conversations and its time for another. I’ve just been trying to sort out what I really want from this guy first. But maybe that conversation will reveal what I want.

      In fairness, after I wrote that post he called and said he was leaving his place. To which I replied ‘Gee I didn’t know you were coming’ And he was surprised and said he thought it was planned. I know I’m making excuses.

      Thank you for the honest thoughts.

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